raising the white flag

Surrender. The word doesn't really have positive connotations when it comes to fighting an ED, but for me, this was the game changer.

Hear me out.

I do not mean surrendering to your eating disorder, and just being resigned to the fact that you will never fully recover, because that would be the worst possible thing you could do!

I mean being able to honestly say that you have surrendered yourself into the loving hands of your Father, relinquishing any control that you have.

This may not be as applicable for some people (in which case, kudos to you!) but for me, during my eating disorder, one of the biggest drives for me was my desire for control.

I was going through a pretty stressful period of life where exams filled my every waking hour, and university loomed just around the corner. Adding to this building pressure, a very close family friend passed away suddenly, leaving me reeling. I felt so helpless and out of control during this time; my eating disorder gave me what I thought I was lacking: a sence of control, security, direction.

I've come to realise now what I wish I had known then. I wasn't in control, ED was. He said "Jump", I said "How high?". I couldn't break the constant cycles of restricting, binging, purging, regret. When ED was at its worst, I began to feel completely as if I was drowning and simply being buffeted to and fro at the whims of my disorder.

So I decided enough was enough. I had to get out. I started my recovery.

The problem was, I still was craving the sense of control. When I was able to stop a binge, or eat a proper meal without freaking out, I became ecstatic at my perceived power. The flipside of this was that when I gave in to the urges and slipped back into my old ways, I felt beyond devastated. My life was an emotional roller-coaster and my heart was a constant battleground for control. And like it or not, there was still a little piece of me that didn't want to recover. Things started to spiral quickly downwards.

Then I found a verse this verse - "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." (Psalm 37:5). It struck a chord deep within my heart. In my constant battle for control, I was essentially putting my trust not in my Saviour, the all-powerful Creator of the universe, but in myself. 

Now, I have not even begun to fully grasp this concept, and I still have so many days where I try (and fail) to beat my ED without my God, but my prayer is this: that I would learn to commit my way to God, to surrender myself to his will and his providence, and trust that his way is perfect. Even when I can't see how. The Bible promises that when we surrender the control of our lives to God, he will make our paths "straight", which seems pretty appealing to me, when I can't even see the path in front of my feet.

So if you're struggling, like me, and feeling as though everything is swirling away from you, that you're stuck on a train that's moving too fast, when you are so out of control that you scare yourself, remember: HE is the one who is in control. He is the playwright and He sees the grand plan. So let go. Rest in the arms of Him who has carried you safe thus far. Surrender.

I love you...

Isaiah 43

In a world full of self-help remedies revolving around loving yourself, it's pretty easy to miss one vital truth: GOD LOVES YOU.

This can get over-looked by many people, as it sounds so cliche, even childish. (This isn't helped by the old VeggieTales catch phrase "God made you special and he loves you very much".)

It isn't.

When I say that your God loves you, don't picture the stereotypical Jesus figure with a golden halo, holding a lamb in one arm, and a baby in the other. Picture this: the Creator and sustainer of the universe, the one who "breathes out the stars", who holds the oceans in the hollow of his hand. He is the God of eternity. He is the God of the old testament, the "Holy One of Israel", beyond our comprehension. And he is the one who says to you, "I love you".

Amazed yet? There's more.

When your heavenly Father says that he loves you, don't take those words lightly. They are not words that are casually thrown about, meant half-heartedly, and therefore meaningless. They say that your actions should speak louder than your words, and guess what? It's true in this case. God doesn't just say "I love you". He shows it in a display of affection that will never be rivaled or matched.

Romans 5:6-8

He sent his one and only Son to die in the place of the people that rebelled against him. He looked at us, running away from him, striving to live our lives for ourselves and our own created gods, and he loved us. He saw our sin and our guilt, as black as can be, and he gave us a way to become as white as snow. A way to remove our condemnation and sin as far as the east is from the west, so that we can come before him as sons and daughters.

Hang in there, it gets even better.

Not only did Jesus' death on the cross cleanse us of our sin and shame, but he sweetened the deal. See, the only reason that Jesus was able to take our place was that he lived a perfect life, the life that we could never live. He was faced with all the temptations that we are, "yet without sin". (Hebrews 4:15). And when Jesus hung on that cross, two thousand years ago, he took all of our sin, all of our condemnation, on himself and he gave us his righteousness. We are now clothed in the spotless white robes of our Saviour, and nothing that we do can ever change our standing before him! No number of bad days, sinful thoughts, selfish acts can separate us from His love.

This is our God.

Don't let it become familiar. It is the most incredible love story of all time, and you are at the heart of it.

shwmae world!

Hi

So I'm kind of new to this, see if you can tell.

I thought that I would write my first post to give you a little window into me. Feel free to peer in and let your breath fog up the glass. 

I am a teenager, living in a culture where we are tossed to and fro by the waves of society. And I am beginning my recovery from an eating disorder. 

Most people who know me are completely unaware of what goes on in the dark recesses of my mind, which is why this blog is under a pseudonym. I don't yet have the courage to fully draw back the curtains on the darkness that I can sometimes hide inside, and I think that's okay. 
But I'm taking what I think is a necessary step and beginning to post my thoughts and things that encourage me on the interweb, in the hopes that someday a kindred soul will find them. 

:: disclaimer ::

I am fluent in sarcasm and like to use big words because they make me seem far more intelligent than I actually am. 

I sincerely hope that someone is able to find some hope or comfort from the words that I find to comfort myself, and that would make this whole endeavor worthwhile.